The Fine Art of Falling Apart
by pettydetails
Summary: Once again mentally connected to her ex Sam, Leah can't escape her feelings. To make matters worse, his wedding is days away. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone-or not.
1. Human Behaviour

**Fandom: **Twilight

**Characters: **Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.

**Rating:** ~A~ for angsty as heck.

**Status:** Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN

**Author's Notes: **I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom.

**Summary:** _The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not._

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.**

**Part One; Human Behaviour**

I hurled as many nasty thoughts as my brain could put together in a split second; the question behind Embry's paternity, Bella the time I'd seen her at the bonfire all broken over her bloodsucker boyfriend. Anything I could muster up to drain away the thoughts pushing their way through my own. "_Teach them to ogle over Sam and Emily_." Of course I knew all of this was in vain. Embry no longer cared to question that part of his life because he was satisfied with where he now belonged. Jacob, having taken his rightful position as Alpha, no longer pined after Bella the way he used to- like a sad lost dog. I was out of ammo. "_Great._" I muttered into my thoughts. Knowing what little affect my mini tantrum was having I phased back into my human form. Scooping up the nearest pile of hidden clothing I stalked quickly to the end of the forest. A small wince from behind the trees gave away Jacob's position. Sure, he'd watched me phase, saw me naked but none of it registered anymore. I was just another one of the guys. He eyed me apologetically not ordering me to phase back. Jake had just witnessed what went through my mind and let me have some time away. He knew how much these hunting expeditions cost me emotionally. If it weren't for the sake of the tribe I would have made things a lot harder. I suffered mostly alone now. I was used to it.

Things changed so much recently it became difficult to keep tabs on who was on whose side. Jake and I were supposed to leave La Push, leave Forks and just _be_ after he saw that his precious Bella was safe and well off. Nothing could be simpler, but Jacob had to go imprint on the parasite's daughter and will me to stay with him. Staying meant suffering under Sam's thoughts again and I did not want to, could not, deal with that. There was no helping the pack's reunion. Once the treaty had been renewed with the Cullens and a new truce formed, things were all good and normal for everyone else. Sam stepped down from his role as an Alpha and this ultimately meant the pack became one again. For such a little time I had found the freedom I sought so intensely after sharing a brain with my ex for what felt like a decade. However, things were back to the way they were, the way when things were so complicated and rough. Jacob knew the toll the reunion took on me, and would have never coerced me into staying by brandishing the Alpha power over me. Somewhere in his pleading though, I felt the small weight of it being used and I couldn't refuse. I stayed. At least now that the danger was behind us with the Cullens settled neatly into their masquerade once more I could spend less time in wolf form. Thanks to Quileute tradition the role of the pack remained to hunt, provide and protect for the people of the reservation. Participation was mandatory which meant we were all in one brain together sharing our deepest and most haunting thoughts. Other than that we were free to phase whenever we liked occasionally finding someone else phased too, their thoughts sneaking into my head. It happened a few times that Sam phased while I was a wolf, his mind penetrating the peaceful barrier of being alone in my own head for a bit at one with nature. Then I would catch the hesitation, the swift change of memories to something safe and less hurtful. By then I would already be back to being human thankful for the getaway. Any means of escape from the rest of the pack's mind was good enough for me. The sting of knowing it would never last for long struck me and I stopped to lean against a tree folding my arms across my chest protectively. My loyalty was too my tribe so I was stuck in the role of provider and protector no matter what it cost me. There was nowhere to go.

Lately, things got worse. There was an awkward tension when the commotion of having so many people in your head at once swept over us again. It took a lot of getting used to for everyone equally. The only upside was with so many wolves it was just a little easier to avoid certain people. For some time the peace and quiet, or what you can have of that with Jacob and Seth in your head, acted as a refuge. No longer was I crippled under my past with Sam knowing every little detail he'd ever thought, trying feverishly to ignore and avoid them all. Now that we were once again connected by this annoying wolf trait, the storm of preparing for Sam's wedding to Emily, my cousin, surrounded me. Everyone in La Push buzzed with excitement making thinking of it almost impossible to steer clear of. _Literally._ The thing which bugged me the most, almost to the point of pain, came from being aware of how badly the other guys wanted to avoid those tender thoughts of admiration for the couple-to-be for my sake when phased together but how hard it was to contain. Even I could admit the couple's perfection only after choking back the taste of bile rising from my throat picturing it. Quickly I shoved the happy image from my head knowing how deeply I wanted the picture to consist of me. I certainly was a glutton for punishment having agreed to stand with Emily on the big day. My thoughts were just as torturous as the others and I took some pleasure in knowing this. Not to say I didn't try to keep away from poisoning the happy atmosphere on purpose but how could I when every instinct in my body repelled it. Of course I put on my façade and turned into the eager bridesmaid everyone expected. _Give me some credit_. None of the boys ever let on how unhappy I really was because there wasn't much any of them could do.

"Everything alright?" Jacob's voice asked from a few yards away. I hadn't paid attention to how long I'd been standing against the tree so his presence sent a startled jerk through my spine.

"I guess I know the answer to that." He answered his own question a flicker of discomfort flashing across his face. Only then did I realize there were fresh tears making tracks down my cheeks. I rarely let anyone see me like this in human form, or any form for that matter and the discomfort Jacob felt spread to me. Quickly I wiped at the tears as if they'd never existed.

"The guys are taking the day's catch home; don't forget we're having the bridal feast later tonight at my place." Jake went on pretending like I hadn't been crying knowing full well it bothered me to have him pry. He would never hit a girl but I wouldn't be a girl if I'd attacked him in wolf form.

"Right." I said.

Without lingering, Jake disappeared back through the trees to where I was headed. Being as preoccupied as I was, all caught up in my own personal grief, the bridal feast slipped my mind. As a bridesmaid I would be expected to give a toast. "_Stupid Quileute traditions." _I muttered to myself.I sped up reaching the point where the forest broke into town and caught a glimpse of Jared, Quil, Embry and Seth carrying in a lifeless elk and a few rabbits flanked by Sam and the rest of pack. His head shot in my direction shooting me the same look he always gave me. The same pained helpless expression I shuttered at every time I saw it. Just then Colin and Brady sprung from the forest in an echo of smug laughter hauling the biggest prize of the hunt.

"Took it down nice and easy." I barely heard Colin brag and Brady confirm. I rolled my eyes knowing any of us could have taken down such an easy prey as that, but I wouldn't rain on their parade. Not when I had a speech to plan out and all the more raining on my own parade to be done. They were still young. Better to let the young ones revel in their accomplishment. Paul appeared behind them a wrinkle of silent laughter flowing through him thinking exactly as I had been. The humor on his face gave him away.

My pace slowed then and I watched Paul glide over to Rachel, Jacob's older sister, and wound his arms around her waist. The gesture seemed to be infectious. Quil took hold of little Claire from Sue, my mother. Jared reached Kim brushing a strand of hair from her face before she got impatient and put her lips eagerly to his. Sam too, reached Emily, cradling her scarred face in his hands planting the same routine of kisses over them before finding her lips. Emily peeked over his shoulder watching me watch them and pulled away from Sam embarrassed. He threw a look over his shoulder without needing to see me standing there and led Emily indoors. A dull ache started from inside my chest, a familiar sort of pain I'd accustomed myself too. It would pass soon and I would be once again content with not being whole.

***

Human Behaviour – The Decemberists

Colorado Sunshine – 3OH!3

He War – Cat Power

The Fine Art of Falling Apart – Matthew Good

Help I'm Alive - Metric

I Feel You – Placebo


	2. Part Two Pity and Fear

**Fandom: **Twilight

**Characters: **Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.

**Rating:** ~A~ for angsty as heck.

**Status:** Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN

**Author's Notes: ** I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom.

**Summary:** _The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not._

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.**

**Part Two; Pity and Fear**

It seemed the whole of La Push were gathered in the field behind the Black household. Billy, acting as gracious host for the festivities, wheeled around the yard effortlessly greeting guests. All of the Elders took their place at the head of the main table right next to Emily and Sam. Outside of the elaborate feast prepared to celebrate marriage of one of the tribe's own we were blessing the marriage one of _our _own. Before one could marry, a pack member would have to receive the blessing of the entire pack as well as the Elders. This is where the Bridal feast came in. To everyone else it was a means of congratulating the couple before the big day. To us it meant something completely different. You see, during the feast several shape shifter customs would occur without any notice from those outside of the knowledge of our existence. It was a pretty significant ritual to us and the first in two generations. First, the Alpha, Jacob, would give his blessing to his pack mate by serving the fiancé wine. A symbol meant to show the acceptance in sharing in this secret life. Easy enough to go undetected since Jacob was serving wine to everyone. Then, The Elders would give their blessing by kissing the bride's right cheek, a symbol of her place at her mate's right hand side. Again, not really something people would be picking up as being unusual with everyone sharing their congratulations the same way. Then each individual pack member would embrace the couple welcoming the bride as one of their own. This was even less suspicious considering it seemed like just about everyone was hugging every one else. I watched as one by one the others embraced Emily whole heartedly without any second of hesitation. Sam beamed with jubilation to see such an exchange of acceptance. The night could not end until I'd done the same. I was holding out.

Then I felt a presence at my side.

"I know you don't like making things easy for us, but Emily is one of us already, you know that. So why stall?" Seth complained from a spot at my shoulder echoing my thoughts.

I was getting tired of people sneaking up on me today. I let out a short sigh frustrated with myself. My brother was right, the annoying little punk, but I didn't budge. _"Why was I stalling?"_ I knew this day would come eventually. Music blared from invisible speakers and the crowd danced and ate and I kept watching from my spot in a darkened corner not dignifying by brother's jab with any sort of response.

"Come on sis. Don't be so melodramatic. I know how much this hurts okay. I get that. But you have to get over it some day. Sam and Emily are getting married whether you like it or not." Seth continued his pleading but his words struck low in my gut and I turned defensively to face him wolf instincts taking over. I growled deep from my throat. Who cared if anyone saw me attack my brother? That is what sibling rivalry defined was it not?

"Leah, you need too…"

"I don't need to do anything Seth. Leave. Now." I snarled cutting him off.

"We'll be here all night waiting on you. Just do it already. You know some people have other places to be. Just do it."

"Back off Seth before I hurt you."

"You could try. Running may be your thing but I've been practicing."

"Go. Away." I ordered through gritted teeth. Seth stood in place not wavering.

"I'm serious."

Still nothing.

I advanced then by a few steps. He cowered backwards seeing my teeth barred and I felt the strange ripple of phasing shake me entirely. A warm hand grasped my shoulder, firmly, holding me still.

"Enough. _Both_ of you." It was Sam's deep voice and I whipped away from his hold. Jacob sent him to calm down the situation; I knew Sam wouldn't have come over if it weren't Alpha's order. Why Jake couldn't step in I didn't know but I would make sure he knew what I felt about it later.

"Jacob doesn't want the two of you making a scene." Sam said. His eyes were locked on Seth but I knew the words were directed at me. Jacob would get a scene alright. Later, when it was dark and he was alone in the woods.

"Is that clear?"

"Course, Sam. Everything's fine."

"Leah?"

I all but whimpered hearing my name run off his lips. I didn't hesitate needing to get away from both of them.

"Just fine."

With that I slid past both of them hearing the familiar sigh that accompanied the face I conjured from Sam. He was angry I heard it in his tone. Sam was irritated and at wits end. All because of me. All because I might spoil this day for him.

The dull ache in my chest started again this time my breath hitching as I walked quickly into Jake's house avoiding all the eyes watching my almost nervous breakdown. It would be expected. People in town weren't stupid. They were well aware of my history with Sam. Their pity was wasted though, if they cared about my feelings at all. Most of them only worried I would be a nuisance rather than an asset. Right now I was feeling more a liability to everyone including myself. The reflection brought up a new wave of anger inside me and I grabbed the nearest object I could find and chucked it full force at the wall watching it crumble to pieces. A low cry of emotion went with the toss. This time I heard the cautious footsteps. This time I wasn't taken by surprise.

Jacob stared at the shattered pieces of the television remote strewn across the other side of the room. The only sounds for the first few moments were of my breaths heavy and loud in the silence. He let me calm down and settled on the couch not bothering to clean up the mess. Jake knew I would get irritated by that. He knew a lot about me, understood a lot about me, so he did what was best and remained patient. Time passed without me noticing. I paced the room trying to smooth out the fresh ripples of phasing. Here I was wasting his time when I knew Jacob would much rather get on with the feast so he could be with his precious Reneesme. I sucked in a gulp of air and shrugged onto the space on the couch beside him defeated.

"Sorry about the remote." And I was sorry.

"Next time aim for something less breakable. Billy might be a little upset though. Its hard work changing channels from a wheelchair." Jake joked testing my mood.

"I'll make sure I replace it." I replied not feeling much like joking around.

"Look. No one expects you to run to Emily arms wide open just to get this ceremony to be over with. We know it means more to you than that. So take your time."

This made me feel really guilty. Here I was being pain-in-the-neck Leah unable to suck up her pride and get on with the inevitable. Jake didn't press me to respond. Instead he sat in silence waiting for me to mull over what I needed to.

"I'm sorry Jake. I know you must want to get over to the Cullens as soon as possible."

"Don't worry about me Leah. I'm not the one who has to watch the love of her life get married in two days."

I punched him in the arm at the comment. He jerked back theatrically at the gesture. Kid was tough. Besides, Jacob wasn't purposely being cruel. In fact, if anything he had known exactly what it was like to watch the love of his life marry someone else. It had been the same for him once before the imprinting when Bella first chose to marry Edward. Then I felt guilty again for trying to inflict pain on Jacob when he was only trying to reason with me. Again I sucked in a deep breath exhaling it slowly.

"I'll be out in a minute. To give my toast. Please make sure Sam and Emily know that."

Jacob simply nodded his head and left me to pull myself together.

It would be easy to lie. It would be easy to fake the whole speech to appease everyone and keep my Leah-damage to a minimum. Then I wondered why I always had to care so much about how other people would respond to my feelings and have to keep them in check. People were getting sick of the way I dealt with the situation. People thought it was petty to be a constant reminder of everything you'd rather forget. No one comforted me when my life unraveled at the seams. No one offered nor tried to understand what it felt like to lose what I was thought to be the love of my life. Sure, imprinting isn't an exact science. It's basically your whole world coming together in one split second and what your life from then on will become with a special someone. I became sour because nothing made sense anymore and I needed people to feel a fraction of what I felt. _I never got the luxury of being in on all of these secrets until I became a damn wolf! _They needed to be as miserable as I was because there was no way of changing it. Someone else needed to feel how helpless everything looked to me. Sure, when the pack split up things got easier. The mental connection was severed and I could deal with things much easier. Harder still, when Sam begged me to come back. Things would be so much better if _all_ of his feelings disappeared with the imprinting. Knowing that somewhere deep inside him I still held a place in him- a place that hurt too to have me around when I wasn't inflicting the pain myself. I purposely avoided those thoughts from Sam. As if my life needed more complications. No. I would go out there I would do my best.

***

Pity and Fear – Deathcab for Cutie

My Heart – The Perishers

Bullets – Tunng

Fight Inside – Red

Troubled Waters – Cat Power


	3. Part Three Let Me Breathe

**Fandom: **Twilight

**Characters: **Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.

**Rating:** ~A~ for angsty as heck.

**Status:** Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN

**Author's Notes: ** I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom.

**Summary:** _The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not._

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.**

**Part Three; Let Me Breathe**

I poised myself and made my way out to give my toast. Everyone went quiet as I took a seat at the table without giving attention to the wary faces staring at me. Eventually a regular murmur rose over the crowd as everyone waited for the toasts to begin. One by one those expected to speak did so and a chorus of 'cheers' in our native tongue followed. There was no running away now, because all eyes looked expectantly at me. Sam shifted his gaze elsewhere trying not to think of all of the horrible things I could say. The ache now, felt like a punch, being aware once more of the anguish I caused him. Emily kept her face even when I stood to give my toast. I felt eyes boring holes into my body but I kept my ground and lifted my glass to eye level.

"We all know why we're here. The Bridal feast is the last major celebration before a couple is united in marriage. Our ancestors take great pride in the bond of the ceremony and I can say that notion has not been lost with time." People listened cautiously, wondering what the spurned lover could offer in terms of marital advice. "Emily, my cousin. My blood. In two days you become Emily Uley. You no longer share a family name but you connect our blood with that of another. In days time you start your life with Sam Uley." Sam met my eyes now. He couldn't know that every word I spoke was the truth and how badly it ached to say out loud. We'd relied on the silent communication of our thoughts for so long, never reacting. I rose my glass high above my head and everyone followed my lead. "May Emily live a long and healthy time so she may experience the full extent of the love she has found. May both live in the happiness they've so readably provided one another. To Sam and Emily." Everyone stood and the chorus of cheers sang out. I placed my glass on the table while others tapped their glasses with each other. I turned to face Emily embracing her before I could give much thought to what this meant. Sam stared at the two of us a look of relief washing over him. I stood on my tiptoe and embraced him as well the shock of being so close to him knocking both of us from the hug quickly. The entire pack descended then; now the ceremony was complete. Emily was one of us now. She and Sam were getting married whether I wanted to say something about it or not.

Jacob smiled appreciatively at me. I half-smiled half-grimaced and his smile grew with humor. Everyone swarmed the couple now and I pulled away from the crowd willing myself away from there as soon as possible. I headed for the woods looking for some time to right myself while the party quieted down for the evening. As I went I unzipped the back of my flower dress getting halfway down the zipper track when a hand jostled my progress gripping for my shoulders. The touch of the person's skin was ice cold and I twitched repulsively away from the grip crouching in a defensive position ready to phase. Before I could, the figure spoke and I instantly recognized the voice. Edward Cullen. _He was getting brave._

"Sorry Leah. I did not mean to startle you." He apologized with a sincerity that turned my insides upside down with distaste. Thanks to the new treaty, the Cullens were allowed in La Push just not for hunting purposes. The whole thing was a stupid little stipulation on Jacob's behalf. It was the price of his imprinting on a half vampire half human hybrid. If imprinting had a gut I would kick it right now. _"What do you want bloodsucker?"_ I thought.

Edward never recoiled from all the nasty things I continued thinking. It's not as if my opinion changed much of the vampires since we allied with them. The others trusted them completely but I'd always have my guard up. We may be able to turn into wolves but I was no one's pet. I wouldn't be their lap dog.

At that thought Edward chuckled once so low I barely registered it as amusement. I scoffed and asked again what he wanted putting a few steps between us to allow for some breathing room against his scent.

"I'm here to drop this off for Sam and his fiancé." Edward answered presenting a perfectly wrapped gift he'd been holding behind his back. "My family and I will not be in town for the wedding. You'll make sure the couple gets this?"

I'm sure I wasn't the first person he would have asked to deliver the gift but Edward wouldn't stay on La Push territory for long. I reluctantly accepted the gift from the hand extended in my direction.

"Sure."

With the Cullens out of town what would Jacob do with his free time away from the little maggot? Surely he'd sulk around the rez waiting for the center of his universe to return.

"Actually, Jacob will be joining us after the ceremony." The bloodsucker responded to the question in my head. I scowled at his intrusion but figured it was an obvious assumption that Jake would accompany them. None of the other guys were away longer than a few hours from their significant other without any major need.

"Please do give the couple our regard. We do apologize for not being able to attend but you understand the circumstances." Edward went on. The guy was always so diplomatic. It made me want to vomit. He eyed me curiously. I stood holding the zipper of my dress forgetting what I'd headed into the forest for in the first place. Noticing my state of undress I blushed with fury and embarrassment but Edward slyly avoided his gaze allowing me a second to get my self together.

I nodded once shaking the gift in understanding. He returned the nod and said a quick goodbye before turning back and running into the woods heading for home. His presence only intensified my already grouchy mood. Was I meant to be a perpetually grumpy person? _Seemed that way to me._ I pouted my lips and fell back into a rhythm heading into the forest. Maybe it was childish to act this way but there were so many human emotions clouding my judgment. I just wanted to be a wolf and run. Run far. I was good at that. Keeping my senses alert I made sure I was alone this time before undressing. I stepped out of the dress standing naked in the middle of the dark forest. I covered the gift with my dress and hid it under the cover of some brush. My mother might be wondering where I was but then again her daughter was a shape shifter she knew I could take care of myself.

Violent currents flowed through every inch of my body allowing the phase. Arms stretched into paws hitting the damp earth. My back bent so I stood on all four paws with the last of the currents taking over. The damp earth sent a sharp scent into my nose and I inhaled deeper enjoying the smell. A rat, somewhere in the brush, scuttled away at the noise of my paws hitting the ground. Then I heard the rumble from inside my stomach. _"Man was I hungry"_. I hated eating raw though. As much as Jacob tried to help me let the animal in me take over, my animal side still refused to enjoy the success of a good hunt. _My hunger could wait. _I told myself. Run first, eat later. And then I took off running, more like sprinting towards somewhere I wasn't aware of yet. The wind glided over my fur at full speed. My eyes remained focus even through the sting of the sharp wind.

Wolves mated for life. A life I thought I'd found before I even knew I was able to be a wolf. Ever since, everything I'd ever known had shifted into the unknown. My heart broke and I was alone still with voices in my head when I wasn't human. It would be easier if I'd imprinted. Quil, Jared, Paul, Jacob, and –I hesitated on the next name; Sam looked happier that way. Embry never complained about not having imprinted either but he was having too much fun with the perks of being a shape shifter to notice. Seth and the others were still young so it didn't matter to them much. It mattered to me though. It mattered a lot. I never was the resentful type before this life took over. Now even with a pack I was lonely Leah, the only female in the gene pool who could do what the guys could do. I would much rather go back to the days before all of this. That life I missed. Life before Emily showed up. No wonder the guys hated to be around me. I was a self-pitying mess.

***

Let Me Breathe – The Hours

Don't Leave – Faithless

I Don't Know What to Do – Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson

Ashes & Wine – A Fine Frenzy


	4. Part Four The Scientist

**Fandom: **Twilight

**Characters: **Leah Clearwater, Sam Uley with appearances by various other recognizable characters.

**Rating:** ~A~ for angsty as heck.

**Status:** Short Story, POST BREAKING DAWN

**Author's Notes: ** I wrote the story with a specific playlist in mind. All the songs for each part are at the bottom

**Summary:** _The wolf pack is now united again after Jacob takes his place as the rightful Alpha. This mean Leah is once again mentally connected to her ex Sam. To make matters worse, his wedding to Emily is just days away. The buzz of the wedding is everywhere and Leah can't escape her feelings. She desperately loves Sam no matter how happy she wants him to be. It should be her standing at the altar but there's nothing she can do. Slowly Leah's facade dissolves leaving her with open wounds she must learn to live with alone.. or not._

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Stephenie Meyer's wonderful creation. This is simply written out of admiration for her characters.**

**Part Four; The Scientist**

I continued running hard aiming for no particular direction. My lungs burned with the effort but my mind was too preoccupied to take heed. The sting of it was refreshing. Finally something else to focus on that didn't resonate from that ache deep inside. Then again I was running away from tonight trying to get away from having my fate sealed for good. I was aware though how the imprinting took away my fate long before this evening. Marriage just seemed final.

My mind kept racing back to thoughts I hadn't fully let myself remember in a long time. I was already suffering might as well get everything out in the open. _"You want to hear my side?"_ I asked myself realizing it was just me alone in the forest. _"Okay then let's dredge this all up._" I accelerated then my muscles stretching pleasantly to compensate for how much harder I was running now. The sound of my paws meeting the earth in a sort of rhythm echoed through the trees causing smaller animals to scatter.

_Let's get it all out there._ I was tired of avoiding it. I needed this moment. I need to feel something more potent than what I forced myself to forget.

The first memory ignited the ache and images of Sam and I in high school swirled around my brain. Our first date, our first kiss—our first time. His hand caressing its' way from my right temple, down my cheek, swooping over my lips before it traced the way down to my hand holding on to it tightly. I remembered it well enough the sentiment pushing harder on that soft spot I'd stirred awake. More memories, this time of how each of his kisses tasted of man, the hint wood smoke accenting the amount of time he spent outdoors helping his grandfather. An image showing the curve of every muscle in is body, so strong and rough working shirtless outdoors on those days I sat admiring the man I was so in love with. These days he was shirtless so often but it never got old. These were the things I kept from my 'brothers' or at least tried. Having them know how much I still pined for Sam, for us- again. It was a losing battle from the start. The memories took on a different feel from then on. I choked back tears recalling the way his voice cracked when he'd ended things. _All of it, everything, so abrupt with no explanation_. In one moment Sam had given up on me, on us, for a future with Emily whom he'd just met back then. I was devastated. So utterly broken yet watching them together made sense in a messed up sort of way as much as my body wanted to refuse it all. In my mind I saw the pained look on Sam's face before he walked out of my door. I remembered hurdling myself in his way my voice cracking with desperation hoping he would change his mind. The burning sting catching Emily and Sam in an embrace while I looked on angry, broken and destitute. Memories of nights spent soaked in tears with my mother trying unsuccessfully to comfort me. Seth didn't need to see it in my head to know what it truly felt like. Glimpses of Seth's face, helpless, staring at me as I threw another fit flashed in my head. All of it was so unfair. To know all the reasons after there was no way whatsoever to change them. If it weren't for my genetic freakiness I would still go on wondering why. The anger raging inside me brought me to a halt near a familiar stream. It seemed back then my only outlet was to make others miserable just to avoid having to remember all of that. I licked furiously at the fresh water replenishing my tiring muscles.

_"I just want to know…"_

A branch broke nearby cutting off my thought.

I hadn't known I wasn't alone. Everyone was sneaking up on me today. This time was completely different. I whirled around to see Sam, his black fur almost invisible among the trees. He whimpered.

I growled.

_"How long have you been phased?_" I questioned internally.

_"I followed you after the toast."_ He replied weakly.

So he had been here this whole time. The. Whole. Time. I yelped quietly remembering everything I'd been thinking.

I phased before I could cause any more destruction- to him and to myself. My private moment passed and there was no taking it back. Luckily a discarded pile of clothing lay a few feet away and I jetted towards them the wind raising gooseflesh over my naked body. As fast as I could, I yanked the t-shirt over my head pulling the shorts on right after. _Colin._ These were his. I recognized the smell. He was more my size than the others which was good for me. Even still, I felt naked. Every single memory I'd repressed were exposed; all to the one person I meant to avoid. This feeling vulnerable deal wasn't flying with me. I needed to feel in control again. Sam had a front row seat to my misery. A misery we shared. A misery we both shoved deep down inside never confronting the other about it. Now here all my feelings were laid out a silver platter. I didn't bother wiping away the tears this time; I just continued walking so fast I may as well have been running. I was a coward.

Sam followed, human now, after me. His footsteps sounded like drums being played in my skull. Couldn't he just let me be? He was happy, that was enough for me. Let me feel this on my own.

"Leah slow down." Sam called from behind.

I kept my pace even. My speed wasn't a deterrent. He could keep up full well. What did he want that he hadn't already taken from me?

"Don't follow me Sam." I ordered my voice wavering.

"Where are you going?" He wondered, his breath even meeting my pace just fine.

"Somewhere. Anywhere." I replied, not completely aware of why I was amusing him with my response. Instead I remained focus closing in on the end of the forest.

"Lee-Lee. Please don't go anywhere."

My body froze unable to move under the weight of those words and the heat of his hand restraining my arm struck high in my chest. This was way below the belt even for Sam. Using his nickname for me to soften me up, I wouldn't let this work this time. Only once since he left me for Emily had he ever used it. That time had been to convince me to come back after I'd left to join Jacob's pack. It stung less coming from Jared but hearing Sam's voice say it caused the ache in me to explode. He could never get rid of me the way I could never completely be rid of him.

When I looked back, he was thankfully clothed but wearing the pained expression I could likely call the 'Leah-face' for how many times Sam wore it around me. He was also closer than I anticipated. I had to stop myself before I bowled him over. Sam caught me before I fell backward over a broken branch keeping me at arm's length. The tears were drying now but I felt my face looked a mess even in the dim light of the moon. I shied away from looking directly at him and Sam took it as a sign to let me go. Like so much between us, it seemed one or the other were letting go. Instinctively my arms wrapped themselves around my chest looking to protect whatever shroud of dignity I possessed.

A silent moment passed between us my back still facing Sam. The silence was heavy with history weighing like a smoky fog surrounding our still forms. So badly I wanted to move but my feet remained rooted to the ground. A brush of wind ran up my spine sending violent shivers through my torso. I rubbed my hands along my arms trying to calm the chill that surely didn't have everything to do with a slight breeze. Hands joined mine and the extra heat helped immediately. I was no longer shaking. The contact would hurt in the morning though. It would hurt like any other day. My first move should be to break the contact and save myself from this heartache. Now that Sam was solid against my flesh instead of the intangible figure from my nightmares the pain seemed much too real. It hurt less when it was just me battling against the memories. This was wrong.

"Stop." I whispered firmly. His hands fell to his sides. Sam walked around to face me.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. There was a new sadness in Sam's eyes now. One that didn't match his 'Leah face'.

I lowered my gaze to look to the floor.

"This won't end will it." My question was more a statement.

Sam drew a quick breath in startling me. When I looked up I saw the tears.

"Sam…" I let my voice trail off realizing I had no idea what to say.

"You don't know how hard this all has been on me. To put you through all that. To not be able to explain any of it when you needed it most. Of course, you never let yourself see that when we're phased." Sam explained shaking his head letting the tension in the moment get to him a little. "If you had you would know I was suffering along with you."

The intensity in his voice, in his body, surprised me and I started chewing my lower lip to distribute some of the pain somewhere other than my chest.

"Do you know what it's like to have your world come together, to be whole finally knowing how utterly destroyed I left you in the wake of it all? I cared Leah. I still care. More than I think I'm allowed too. But it's different now. The imprinting changed things. They're not the same feelings anymore. And I'm sorry for that." He went on.

I'd bitten my lip so hard I could taste the iron in the the tiny lick of blood from the wound. My eyes closed and I furrowed my brow in raw understanding.

"If I could change things. If I could make it better for you, for everyone I would. But I can't, and I'm too content in my life with Emily now to want that anymore. Can you understand that?"

The words hesitated before I finally spoke breathless, "Yes."

"I'll forever suffer knowing what I caused you. As long as you're unhappy part of me will be too. You'll always have a place in my heart Lee-Lee, even if it's not the place you want." Sam finished.

"It's unfair Sam. The universe up and stole you from me." I started to say when he palmed my cheek with his hand cradling my face. The gesture felt much as it had when it was strictly meant for me but different. The way he'd just described.

"I want you Sam. I won't deny that. I won't let go of that. It's all I have." I told him, my voice uneasy. "It's all I want."

I heard Sam sigh then brushing a wisp of my hair behind my ear. His eyes were focused on mine. He looked at me intently waiting for me to finish.

"I miss you." Was all I said.

Fresh tears started down my face and I sobbed quietly trying not to make more of a scene of my emotions than I already had. I angled my body away from him but Sam caught my chin in his hand directing me back to face him.

In the next movement his lips were urgent against mine. There was no hesitation in me as I responded to him inching myself more solidly against him. His hand met the small of my back pressing me impatiently closer. Our lips moved together urging the other past the point of no return. There was an invisible force drawing us together neither coming up for air just yet. I let my hands loose and tangled them into the short crop of his hair. My lip throbbed where I bit it earlier but I ignored it too engrossed in the present moment. His hands roved over as much of me as they could find. This definitely wouldn't be good in the morning. I let the kiss continue a few seconds longer too greedy to give this up too soon. Eventually we would need to take a deep breath.

A few heartbeats later I hauled myself from his lips enjoying the fresh oxygen.

"Sam…" I breathed.

"I miss you too." Sam chuckled just as breathless. "I miss that more than I should." This made me giggle too. I felt lightheaded from the exchange searching for a place to catch my breath before spotting a decent spot. We sat at the same time still flushed from the kiss.

"How much trouble do you think we'll get in for that?" I wondered considering how hard it would be to avoid thinking about.

"We'll probably get a few jabs from the guys. I think I'll be in the dog house for a bit with Emily- no pun intended, but nothing serious."

I understood why he sounded so light hearted about the situation. Most guys refrain from kissing their ex-girlfriends before their weddings if they still want one to happen. This particular kiss was long overdue. In a way it was the break-up I needed. It didn't make me want Sam any more than I already did. It certainly didn't make me feel as though I had any shot in the world of getting him back. It wasn't the bad kind of kiss because everything about the way he kissed me was different. I wouldn't totally be over him, not with what I put myself through. Somehow this exchange made it easier to accept his loss. The kiss answered what I needed to know; that there was no chance of us being what we were.

I leaned in to rest my head on Sam's shoulder his arm snaking around mine. He would always be _my _Sam I knew that. I just had to learn how to live with this new version of him.

***

The Scientist – Coldplay

Your Fractured Life – Air Traffic

Gardenia – Mandy Moore

Easy – Bon Iver

A Constant Knot – City and Colour


End file.
